Well, it's been quite some time for good reason...now here I am, almost 4AM, unable to sleep, pounding through season 3 of American Horror Story, plagued by the incessant knocking of my ceiling fan, of which I have tried numerous times to remedy with no such luck...
I don't know what I'm doing here, maybe I thought this would help me sleep. Maybe just typing; talking would help get all my racing thoughts in order. I can't remember the last time it helped.
I know why I can't sleep, it's these damned withdrawal effects from the anti-depressant I only took for a couple of months. It helped with my anxiety issues majorly, but I recently decided that it wasn't necessary to take them anymore, fully aware of the possible withdrawal symptoms that may occur. Take this as a cautionary tale to believe every bad thing you read about duloxetine on the internet...if your doctor tries to put you on it (also known as Cymbalta), tell them to go straight to hell.
I like to think it hasn't been as difficult for me as I've read it has been for those who were on it for years, so I'm just hoping that it doesn't get worse before it gets better.
At first it started with the pit of anxiety lumped in my throat giving me a sensation that I either needed to scream or cry like a banshee. Then the brain zapping started. It's to the point where I can't tell the difference between an epileptic aura or a zap. I've started to become moody, agitated, dizzy and my appetite is all jacked again. Sometimes I feel apathy or extreme sadness. It's effecting my tummy and now my sleep...it's almost as if I'm AFRAID to go to sleep. I'm very much hoping that this is the worst of it and that if I just stay busy that I won't even notice all the bullshit and get on with my life, which is what I've been trying to do in the last month anyway.
The people in my life are making things tremendously easier. This year being full of some of the most extreme ups and downs of my life would not be as manageable had it not been for those who have been by my side.
I've been feeling a lot of other changes internally as well. Good ones...one of the reasons I've decided to ditch the meds. I just can't stand being on numerous medications as it is. But yes, changes for the better...or not even so much changes, but a reinstitution of my former self. Even thought the side-effects are there, I'm still more in tune with who I am than I have been the last several years. And isn't that just the best feeling? Or one of the best.
I dunno, I could go on for hours I am sure...and while you guys know I talk about personal stuff here as well, the whole intent for this journal thing, whatever, was for Halloween related topics. That should be reinstated soon....I'm a little behind this year, but the itch is catching up with me. I mean, it's already mid June for peanut butter's sake!!! ><
Still big plans on the Halloween front.
With that, I bid you good night...I must attempt sleep, this is ridiculous.
THE FACE OF INSOMNIA:
