My Very Own Halloween Confession.

This is a shocker....for those of you who know me....

I haven't really been in Halloween mode AT ALL this year..and I have mixed feelings about it.  And it's September fucking 2nd!  So yeah, I am kind of freaking out seeing as the party is in fifty days.

Everyone who knows me knows I'm the epitome of Halloween crazed, but this year has been unique.  Unique in that a lot of things have changed in my life, bad things happened, but even more amazing things happened, and I've been taking time for those amazing things and working on getting past the bad things.  That is the reason for my Halloween slacking.

My depression and anxiety hit an all time high, but still getting better every day.  I don't need the medication for it anymore and am going to therapy every other week and applying all the self-help shit I've learned over the years.  Becoming self-aware is key if you're going to make it in this life.  I feel like I talked about some of this in my last post, but since I'm so terrible at updating these days, and it's been like 3 months, I don't mind repeating myself.

As far as the Halloween shin-dig, I have put forth SOME effort into it...I bought some liquor, woohoo.  And have bought a few decoration supplies....most of which I will need to craft myself, sooooo I'm really going to need to make the time to actually do that.  Ugh, my gawd, thinking about it is so stressful.  I feel like every year people rely on me to put on this wild spectacle of Halloween shenanigans and I feel like I'm going to let myself and other people AND the entity of Halloween, down!  I AM FREAKING OUT.  Right now, right in this moment I am freaking out!!!!  AS I'M TYPING.

Fuck....I really need to get my shit together....people depend on me....

Okay, but really, now that it's September, I feel like I can get in the swing of it.  And once I start seeing all the Halloween stuff in stores, shit will get real.  Halloween shit is always real, it's just suppressed.

JSiugbpwiuvbwa@@!@peivSIUEGBeisbgi##vebabblingover....

<3

Insomnia.

Remember when I used to write in this thing?  Vapid silliness.

Well, it's been quite some time for good reason...now here I am, almost 4AM, unable to sleep, pounding through season 3 of American Horror Story, plagued by the incessant knocking of my ceiling fan, of which I have tried numerous times to remedy with no such luck...

I don't know what I'm doing here, maybe I thought this would help me sleep.  Maybe just typing; talking would help get all my racing thoughts in order.  I can't remember the last time it helped.

I know why I can't sleep, it's these damned withdrawal effects from the anti-depressant I only took for a couple of months.  It helped with my anxiety issues majorly, but I recently decided that it wasn't necessary to take them anymore, fully aware of the possible withdrawal symptoms that may occur.  Take this as a cautionary tale to believe every bad thing you read about duloxetine on the internet...if your doctor tries to put you on it (also known as Cymbalta), tell them to go straight to hell.

I like to think it hasn't been as difficult for me as I've read it has been for those who were on it for years, so I'm just hoping that it doesn't get worse before it gets better.

At first it started with the pit of anxiety lumped in my throat giving me a sensation that I either needed to scream or cry like a banshee. Then the brain zapping started.  It's to the point where I can't tell the difference between an epileptic aura or a zap.  I've started to become moody, agitated, dizzy and my appetite is all jacked again.  Sometimes I feel apathy or extreme sadness.  It's effecting my tummy and now my sleep...it's almost as if I'm AFRAID to go to sleep.  I'm very much hoping that this is the worst of it and that if I just stay busy that I won't even notice all the bullshit and get on with my life, which is what I've been trying to do in the last month anyway.

The people in my life are making things tremendously easier.  This year being full of some of the most extreme ups and downs of my life would not be as manageable had it not been for those who have been by my side.

I've been feeling a lot of other changes internally as well.  Good ones...one of the reasons I've decided to ditch the meds.  I just can't stand being on numerous medications as it is.  But yes, changes for the better...or not even so much changes, but a reinstitution of my former self.  Even thought the side-effects are there, I'm still more in tune with who I am than I have been the last several years.  And isn't that just the best feeling?  Or one of the best.

I dunno, I could go on for hours I am sure...and while you guys know I talk about personal stuff here as well, the whole intent for this journal thing, whatever, was for Halloween related topics.  That should be reinstated soon....I'm a little behind this year, but the itch is catching up with me.  I mean, it's already mid June for peanut butter's sake!!! ><

Still big plans on the Halloween front.

With that, I bid you good night...I must attempt sleep, this is ridiculous.

THE FACE OF INSOMNIA:

Halloween Has Begun.

I think my brain is getting a little bit of a jump start with regards to Halloween planning.  Considering we had the dumbest "winter" ever here in Texas.  What a fucking bust.  If you know me or have read any of my previous entries, you know how much I prefer cold, cloudy weather.  The only thing I hate about winter really, is the fact that it gets dark so early.  It's starting to stay bright until about 6:20pm now, but I can't wait until it gets back to being light until about 9pm.  But what a shit winter for those of us who need the dismal Tim Burtonesque type weather.  I feel fucking cheated!

Not to mention I'm actually really sick and tired of people saying how fucking BEEEAUUTIFUL it is outside.  Here's an idea, not everyone SHARES your love of the sun and 80F January days.  Go eat a dick and take your "BEAUTIFUL" sunny weather with you.  OKAY, that was uncalled for, but I'm so tired of people talking about how mother fucking beautiful it is.  Come up with another adjective, you dorks!  End Rant.

So with this stupid abbreviated weather, I feel like my conscience is starting a little early, because my brain THINKS it's April.  For those of you who don't know, or don't remember, the theme of the party this year is Vintage Halloween.  It's actually probably going to be pretty easy.  Just lots of crepe paper and streamers.  I'm also planning on having a photo booth of sorts for people to play with props and take pictures with my camera and what not.  Juices are flowing!

As far as my channel, things are going swimmingly.  I could use more views and subscribers, but I guess I just need to be patient.  The only issue is the lack of time I have to make the videos "nice."  Like I literally came home from work last night, did some cleaning, microwaved dinner (because of time restraints), watched a horror flick still in my work clothes, which are also kind of like pajamas, finished the movie and filmed a haphazard review....not to mention I was kinda high on my epilepsy meds, so needless to say, the movie review will be kinda shitty, lol.  But whatever, they'll get better with time, ha.

In case you missed my last two horror themed videos, you're in luck!  I have them right here!

These are actually two of my favorites already, and I think I'm making the right decision with going the horror route.  I am beyond excited.

Other than that...in the bad news department, I'm suffering from unfounded, inexplicable anxiety attacks again.  I am trying to cope with them mostly with just talking to myself.  I've cut out the caffeine (still drinking decaf because I like the taste of coffee), but I think I should cut out the beer too :(  Booooooo.  I really just need to get a physical and see if I can talk to a psychiatrist.  I just don't understand their origin.  I can't find a trigger.  It's scary because it's causing breathing and swallowing issues/fears.  Talking to other people about their experiences helps, and I even called a crisis hotline the other night just to TALK to someone.

Seriously, if you are ever needing to just talk to someone, you don't have to be on the verge of suicide, you are allowed to call those hotlines ANYTIME you feel you are alone or need to talk to someone outside of your scope of friends and family.

Okay okay, that's enough for today.  I just wanted to announce that the ball is rolling, amidst all the other life shit I have to do!  Thanks for stopping by, kittens.  Tell your friends and don't forget to subscribe to my YouTube channel!  It really helps me out a lot.  Much love!! <3

Ladies & Gentleman, Boys & Ghouls.

I just wasted like 30 minutes trying to find a new countdown widget for Halloween....can't find one...will get back to that later.

Okay, anyway, I know I've said this before, but I don't like having this much time in between posts.  I mean, I guess I don't have THAT much to say, especially within the realm of Halloween related things, but there is always the horror aspect....

So I recently decided...and I have no idea if I already mentioned this in my last blog, but I've recently decided that the route I need to take my YouTube channel is the horror route.

When I first started making videos, I had no idea wtf I was doing, where I was going with it and what I wanted my direction to be, but now I know.  Tonight I filmed my first (shitty) video of my Horror Block unboxing!!!  And while it's kinda lame, and scatter-brained, I will be making them better in the future.  I had to film it quickly and kind of way too late because I need to film in private, and I feel like I don't get much privacy or alone time these days.  So I just threw it together tonight with crappy lighting and no script but whatever, I'm trying my best with the time I have.

As usual though, here are my latest uploads for those who missed out.

I really like my arcade walk-through video, I mean, it's not the greatest cinematography, but that's not what I get paid to do.  I just had fun making it.  Oh, and I'm not sharing my new underwear video here....those stupid videos get views without me even trying....sheesh.

So while those are being enjoyed I will try to get the other one edited and uploaded within a timely fashion.  In the meantime, here's what else I've been up to in photos....

Makin' delicious vegan foods, such as chili and vegan cheese dip!

Acquiring Halloween decor for everyday use!

And finally opening this mother B!!

Otherwise, my class starts next week and I get my mornings back from work!!!  Maybe I'll get some me time, as well as more time to film videos, huzzah!

Okay, time to work...or maybe just watch a horror movie and fall asleep, hehehehe.  Goodnight.

ALL THE THINGS!

Ah crap, this always happens.  I don't update for like EVER, and then I have so many things to talk about I have no idea where to start.  Need to start organizing my thoughts......

I really have no excuse explaining why I haven't blogged....not that many people read this dang thing anyway! ><

Last time I talked a lot about feeling preemptively overwhelmed by what is to come, and well, let's just say, I didn't get overwhelmed much at all....because I have put stuff aside to go out a lot and have more fun! LOL.  I do need to mellow out on going out.  I need to focus on my future and YouTube stuff.  I have been feeling anxiety lately though...at least I think I have...it's been manifesting itself into difficulty swallowing, which of course just makes me panic and have more anxiety, hooray.

I was watching one of my favorite vlog channels, this guy who calls himself The L.A. Beast (his real name's Kevin), who started out as a competitive eater, but has incredibly entertaining vlogs...but in any case, he said something in one of his videos: Success Never Sleeps.  And that really struck a chord with me.  First of all I completely agree.  Then again, of course you have to sleep SOMEtime.  But it also made me kind of pissed.  Pissed that my body requires sleep at all.  And I thought about it....there are two kinds of people in this world: those who wish they didn't have to sleep so they could accomplish more and more things and work towards what they desire, and then those people who just can't wait to go home and go to bed.

Weirdly enough that same day, I was perusing Instagram and came across a post by ANOTHER one of my favorite YouTuber/vloggers, Rob Dyke, and he was pretty much talking about the same thing I just mentioned.  Thinking back on it, I think it's some kind of a sign or some cosmic shit like that.

I've also been struggling with deciding which direction I want to go with on my channel, but I think today I finally made a decision.  Should I say, or make it a surprise?  Muaha.

I have been somewhat networking a lot though.  Really getting into interacting with fellow YouTubers, big and small, and it's been going swimmingly.  Needless to say, I've been watching more than I have been uploading, but it's honestly all for the greater good in the end.

I have several videos that I've filmed but haven't edited, so I'm going to keep posting random stuff willy-nilly, but will gradually post more of a certain genre and mold my channel into what my vision is.

But if you haven't seen my most recent videos since my last blog, here they are in order:

They're pretty self explanatory.  I make sushi, I open my new monthly subscription to KitNipBox and the last one is a 23 second video of me playing my favorite game at Dave & Busters.  Watch 'em all, or none at all.  Just thanks for stopping by, ha!

I'll leave you with some photos in case you don't see me on Instagram or Facebook :)

CATS AND FOOD!!!  Have a good night ^_^

Thanks, kittens.

Too Much On My Plate?

Today I realized that maybe I'm feeling preemptively burnt out....like I'm anticipating it...I'm trying to make all these changes and try all these new things this year and spend all this money and try to keep everyone else happy and all I can think about is all the stuff that is still just around the corner.  I'm taking one online class, but that usually takes up a pretty good amount of time studying each week.  I am behind on video editing for YouTube and have a bunch of new ones lined up.  There's pressure for me to buy a new bed because I threw my old one out for reasons explained here:

And I've just been working more and this week we have some promotion going on so I have to deal with that, and I'm sick of emailing and calling people already.  These dumbass people who pick up the phone and are like, "Well, I'm busy right now...."  Then don't pick up your phone!  Let it go to voicemail, dumb dumb!  Egh, sorry, just had to rant a minute there.....

I went out a lot last week perhaps because I knew that soon I would be really way too busy to do much after and before work.  We have plans to go out this week as well.  I went shopping for a video (and myself), and subscribed to two monthly unboxing services.  Horror Block and KitNipBox.

Almost everything I spend these days has something to with YouTube videos, or channel improvement, video quality, whatever, you get the idea.  Except for food....and actually, sometimes food too for my sushi video, and my vegan taste test videos....it's amazing how much YT can take over your life in such a short amount of time.

I've been watching a lot of my favorite YouTubers' vlogging channels lately as well.  I should be watching less and doing more, but the vlogging channels, which are independent from their infotainment channels, are quite beneficial for me from a business stand point.  You get to see their behind the scenes stuff, they talk about how they manage their time, how they started, answer questions and give tips, etc.  So it is still like I'm working.  Research work.  Speaking of which, I need to do a lot of research for my future videos and I have not been making the time.  It's simply my own fault.  I'm not making it happen.  I think fear has taken over in some aspects.

Fear of failure, fear of not doing a good enough job, fear of criticism, and what have you.  But that's not the point to this whole thing, this whole year.  YouTube makes me peanuts right now, but it still needs to take precedence and needs to be treated like a second job.  Like I've said before, my only regret is that I didn't start doing it sooner.

But there's no sense in regretting, I just have to continue to make strides.  I need to buy another soft box as well.  As if I thought the one would be enough....

Oh, and I had a request asking how I cook my tofu.....

I don't have a specific technique.  Best thing to do is let the tofu drain overnight in a Tupperware container or a covered bowl.  I didn't have time for that, so I just cubed a whole container of tofu, sprayed a little olive oil in a wok type pan, dumped in the tofu, put heat on medium to high, cover it and just let the sides brown.  Mix up the tofu from time to time so they can brown on all sides, or if you're crafty, you can shake them up and toss them in the air, just make sure you know how to get them back in the pan and not all over the place, haha.

I added soy sauce from the beginning as well so it gives it some extra flavor and saltiness and browns it a little more.  Later I added water here and there so the pan wouldn't burn and to get the other spices to stick to it.  I put in curry and ginger powder and added whole cloves of garlic.  But really anything you like can go in!  Basil would be nice :)

Basically I just keep an eye on it, there are other things you can do like bake it for a little while to make it crispier, if times permits.  I also added green onions and steamed broccoli near the end, but sometimes browning the broccoli is amazing too.

Hope this helps!  I'm not a chef so I'm a little scatter-brained with my explanation :-P

Anyway, I should get back to it.  Lots to do :)

Thanks for stopping by kittens.

299 Days Until Halloween.

Well, I figure it's been a while since I've actually addressed the original reason for starting this blog.  But yeah, less then 300 days away and while I'm not quite freaking out yet, but I might be soon.  I reflected a little bit on the past year and I'm moving forward and thinking about how many things are going to change and are already changing for the new year.  More on that later though.

I'm actually quite sleepy and should be relaxing with a horror movie, but I'm trying to let my hair dry before I fall asleep.  Y'all know how it is.

By now I've usually got some trivia questions finished for my Halloween party, but I haven't even thought about it.  I've been doing other reading and research pertaining to future YouTube videos, which include but are not limited to haunted asylums, the infamous Driskill Hotel here in Austin, TX and other random life vlogging type things.

Speaking of trivia, I've done it three times in the past week.  The last two times I tried it alone, but here I am with my friend Dorothy:

Photo courtesy: Alyssa B.

We didn't do half bad, and when I played alone I did better than I thought I would, ha.

One of the things that I'd like to stick to this year is trying new things as well.  Such as that time I made sushi....on Monday...after work.....lol.....

I am going to try again tomorrow!  I also filmed it and am still working on editing that video for your viewing pleasure.

I feel like trying new things this year won't be hard if I plan to document it for my channel.  Seriously, it's the most motivating thing I've got in my life right now.  Other than paying bills and basic survival.  YT has been a life changer for me, and this year is going to be amazing, I can feel it.

Okay, well if you missed it, here is my New Year's Vlog:

I'll leave you with that.  I mainly just wanted to touch a little bit on the subject of Halloween now that the holidays are over.  Still have a few to get through, and the summer.....ugh, the summer, I am already dreading it.  Here is my blog about reverse seasonal affective disorder....

Goodnight.  (I originally made a typo and said "Goofnight" and almost left it because it is silly.  Maybe next time). :-P